Customer Service Survey

In order to better serve you, I ask you to take a minute to fill out this survey and send it - along with a valid credit card number which I can use to buy access to naughty websites - this address. Thank you.

Please rate how much you agree with the following statements.

No book is complete without one scene involving cattle mating.
Strongly Agree[ ] Agree[ ] Am uncertain [ ] Disagree[ ] Strongly disagree[ ]

I believe that Shakespeare in schools should be banned as cruel and unusual punishment.
Strongly Agree[ ] Agree[ ] Am uncertain [ ] Disagree[ ] Strongly disagree[ ]

I want more Shakespeare in schools because I like cruel and unusual punishment.
Strongly Agree[ ] Agree[ ] Am uncertain [ ] Disagree[ ] Strongly disagree[ ]

I enjoy lighting my hair on fire.
Strongly Agree[ ] Agree[ ] Am uncertain [ ] Disagree[ ] Strongly disagree[ ]

I derive sexual pleasure from postage stamps.
Strongly Agree[ ] Agree[ ] Am uncertain [ ] Disagree[ ] Strongly disagree[ ]

I integrate sexual pleasure from postage stamps.
Strongly Agree[ ] Agree[ ] Am uncertain [ ] Disagree[ ] Strongly disagree[ ]

ABOUT YOU:

Sex: (Please check no more than eight.)
M[ ] F[ ] Y[ ] N[ ] U[ ] D[ ] T[ ] B[ ] S[ ] C[ ] Zig[ ] Zag[ ]

Age:
1-3[ ] 4-6[ ] 7-9[ ] 10-12[ ] 13-200[ ] 200+[ ]

Siblings:
Yes[ ] No[ ] Brother don't matter, sister don't worry, say what
                        you like, I'll do what you want me to do. [ ]

Are you a vampire?
Yes[ ] No[ ] You're a vampire, I'm a vampire too. [ ]

Place of residence:
Hell[ ] Elsewhere[ ]

Do you feel that companies who advertise in this publication are very trustworthy?
YES!!![ ]

If you were a tree, which one would you be?
___________

Are there cases of dementia in your family?
(Other than you, of course, or there'd be no need for a "no" box.)
Yes[ ] No[ ]

Boxers or briefs?
Boxers[ ] Briefs[ ] Both[ ] Other[ ] Nothing at all[ ]

What languages are you fluent in?
English[ ] Français[ ] Deutsch[ ] Italiano[ ] Espanol[ ] Afrikaans[ ]
Dansk[ ] Hollands[ ] Suomalainen[ ] Íslenzkur[ ] Nicchuukantougou[ ]
Norsk[ ] Português[ ] Svensk[ ]

Do you accept my sincerest apologies for screwing some of those names up?
Yes[ ] No[ ]

Do you breathe?
Yes[ ] No[ ] Yes, but I don't inhale.[ ]

How long have you been playing Doom?
Less than one year[ ] 1-3 years[ ] 4-7 years[ ] 7-19 years[ ] 20+ years[ ]

If 20+ years, how long have you been a compulsive liar? _________
The truth, now. _________
I want the truth this time, really. _________
Liar.

Do you rip CDs?
Yes[ ] No[ ]

Do you rip phone books?
Yes[ ] No[ ]

How many of the jokes in this survey left you confused?
0[ ] 1[ ] 2[ ] 3[ ] 4[ ] 5+[ ] There were jokes?[ ]

The Archon
September 1, 2000 AD

Go back! Back I say!
Run along home.
This site and everything on it are Copyright (C) The Archon 1999 - 2005, unless otherwise noted. So there.
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